COOPER:

K. What so many people overlook in high school is the value of real estate. They don’t learn about real estate until they’re, like, super-old and in their twenties. Luckily, you have me here to tell you the importance of stuff like this. So, ya, real estate…it’s where you stand, it’s where you congregate, and even though it’s technically government owned, it’s yours during the time you’re in school — so choose it carefully.

The real estate I’m referring to is where you and your bitches (or clique, whatever you want to call them) hang out during important times like lunch and between classes. This is the spot in the school that comes to define you, and what you’re all about. Just like the housing market, some places are more sought after and in-demand than others. Of many real estate listings depend on the high school itself; they way the halls are shaped, the proximity of the lockers to the cafeteria and all kinds of other important stuff like that. Anyway, traditionally the most important piece of land in the entire school is the cafeteria. This is where everyone must gather. They can’t avoid it, it’s where you not only buy food, but it’s the designated area where you must eat lunch as well, so unless  you’re like a totally anorexic supermodel-type you’ll find yourself in the cafeteria at some point. So, in high school terms, the cafeteria is like NYC; its congested, crazy and loud, but the real estate inside is worth an absolute fortune. Social lives are made and broken in the cafeteria.

In the cafeteria, it’s all about where your table is located and who’s sitting at it. The general rule is to stay far away from the lunch line and the entrance. The further away from the lunch line you are, the better. After all, you don’t want disgusting people bumping into your table while they’re at the trough feeding. That’s like so gross, it turns me off of eating just thinking about it. At the beginning of the year your position in the cafeteria (like the social hierarchy) is pretty much set. You pick your table, and that’s where you sit for the rest of the year. If you’re popular like me, then you get to assign tables to the rest of the cattle, but I’m jumping ahead, back to the seating. Ideally you want a seat in the corner where you can view the entire cafeteria and who’s sitting where (and with who). This way, you control the room…you’re presiding over it. You can sit with your clique and laugh while everyone else wanders around and angles for a seat while hopelessly holding their lunches. LOL. Oh, and you can also make fun of what everyone is wearing and who they’re hanging out with.

But, the most important piece of real estate is the one that is exclusively yours – your locker.

The location of your locker is like the location of a house. The more desirable the location, the more your stock is worth in the social hierarchy. For instance, if you’re totally hawt, and popular and your locker is located amongst a bunch of socially-challenged loser then your stock will inevitably drop – sad but true. Your locker location is like your family – you can’t choose it; it’s assigned by a greater power.

However, you can bribe and scheme to switch your location. I’ve done it. One year my locker was located right at the end of a hallway that led to a door outside; if that wasn’t bad enough I was surrounded by some of the school’s finest social rejects. It was the equivalent of building a beautiful mansion in the center of Harlem. I could almost feel my social status depreciating by the minute. I had to do something – and I did. I went to the principal’s office and begged for her to change my locker location. He said he would if I could find someone to switch with. Long story short, I found this chick that had a locker next to my bitches and I gave her $500 to switch with me and she did. Social life saved! Well, that’s my locker story.

The final location is the hallway. Your place in the hallway is like your place in time. No matter how old people get, and how successful they become they will always remember the feeling of walking down the hallway in high school; and they’ll always remember who stood where. Your place in the hallway becomes statuized in people’s minds for eternity. Unlike your locker location and your table in the cafeteria, I can’t tell you the best place to stand in the hallway ‘cause it’s all depends how your school is designed. But I will say this, make your spot the area where EVERYONE must walk during the day. The hallway is all about been seen. It’s like a fashion runway – trends are made, broke and laughed at in the hallway. In our school we have, like, an “L” shaped hallway and we always stand right at the corner so everyone has to walk by us, and we just, like, stare at people and stuff and whisper amongst ourselves. It’s so funny to see how nervous everyone gets…it’s almost like they can feel themselves getting judged.

So, that’s my little lesson real estate. Invest wisely, bitches.

Luv,

Cooper